NOW I have so not looked forward to starting this blog up again. While I have found the act of sharing my thoughts with others cathartic, I have found it painful to go back on occasion and read those thoughts. For the most part each post says the same thing: I am a mess; I have been a mess; I may continue to be a mess. My life is a constant struggle just to stay behind. Each answer introduces a more baffling question.

I now have the answer to my months of illness. I have a rare brain tumor-a craniopharyngioma. It effects 3% of the US population. It is benign. It has destroyed my pituitary gland, so my hormones are completely out of whack. My testosterone level is low. I tire easily. I have a hard time regulating my body temperature. I don't have much of an appetite. I think I'm two shades lighter. Surgery got rid of most of the tumor. Radiation will kill the rest, but it will return. That's the nature of the craniopharygiomic beast.

Initially this was to be a log of life with this illness. I even toyed with calling this page THE FINAL TOUR. It was my count-down to the end. I'm not afraid to die. I gave up a fear of death some time ago. In the hospital I realized that. What I had not quite realized was that...

I'm afraid to live.  ¶ Monday, October 09, 2006 3 Comments

  PERMISSION TO LOVE Giving yourself permission to love is not enough.
You must also be able trust.
I thought I could,
but I guess not.
Maybe someday I will.
Why can't someday be today?  ¶ Tuesday, May 09, 2006 0 Comments

  LOVE AGAIN My ex-wife and I haven't had many pleasant conversations in the last few months. Our exchanges have consisted mostly of short discussions about our son, and quaint inquiries into each other's well being. I, at one point, believed that we would be able to sit over a cup of coffee and discuss the merits of the latest Prince album, or laugh at some utterly ridiculous item in the news. But I gave up that ghost months ago. Too much had been said-things that could never be taken back. At best, I hoped we could one day get through a phone call without one of us hanging up in tears. And that we were able to do. Tonight however, we talked.

Of course we talked about our son's daycare and how he was handling the transition of yet another move (mine). It was nice. The fear normally present when we talked dissipated this time. I think we actually managed to laugh together. Then she brought up something she thought would be hard for me. She mentioned that she was dating again.

I was relieved. I had been carrying around guilt surrounding what I perceived to be her loneliness (all my fault). Her dating again seems to make her happy. If that is indeed true, it means I can finally give myself permission to love.  ¶ Monday, May 08, 2006 0 Comments

  ERNEST WADDELL The first time I saw Ernest "Hotty" Waddell was as Dante on the HBO series THE WIRE. Dante was introduced in Season 2 as the new lover of gun toting homothug Omar, portrayed by Michael K. Williams. For those of you familiar with the series, you may recall that Omar's lover from Season 1, Brandon, was not only snuffed out, but also had the indignity of having his eyes gouged and his lifeless body splayed across the hood of a car on Baltimore's mean streets. Anyway, in Season 2 of the best damn series on television (it's coming back for Season 4), Omar hooked up with Dante, a new fineass hunk of caramel gorgeousness. In episode 2, I think, they engaged in the most amazingly hot kiss I have ever had the honor of witnessing with my own two eyes. Damn, Damn, Damn.

Later, I saw ol' boy on NBC's LAW AND ORDER: SVU as Ken Randall, the gay son of Detective "Fin" Tutuola (Ice-T) and I nearly fell out. Go head wit yo bad self. Now he is featured on the WB series THE BEDFORD DIARIES. I have watched the show twice. I don't know what it's about. I think it's got somthing to do with other college, sex and video tape. I know it's got some other people on it, but I don't know who the hell they are. I'm sure I could tell you if I wasn't obsessing about His Hotness. When the show is on I'm either looking at Ernest and thinking, "damn he's fine," or just thinking, "damn Ernest is fine." I can say I've seen the show, but I can't say that I've watched it.

He may not be gay, but in the words of Morris Day, "Mary sweet mother Jesus," this is a fine muthafucka. I think I'm in love. I could give up my self-imposed celebacy for him. Inaheartbeat. Know that.  ¶ Wednesday, April 05, 2006 12 Comments

  WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I was reading my most recent journal this morning and was taken aback at how depressing it is. I started writing just as my marriage started to fall apart and 75% of the entries deal with some terrible thing that has happened in my life. I know my life ain't been no crystal stair, but damn. How could one man gather so much angst in such a short amount of time?

Easy. I am an eternal optimist who suffers from clinical depression. I live my life with a glass half full philosophy. My nature is to always look toward the best possible scenario. Inevitably, my chemical imbalance doesn’t let that outlook last too long. Right now I am trying to live without medication and it seems not to be working. I thought I could do it, but that’s not the case.

I don’t like my meds. Not because of the side effects, although I do believe Prozac is evil. I don’t like the idea of feeling I may never get off the drugs. I like drugs as much as the next guy-maybe more than the next guy; however, I want to chose my own drugs and take them when I want to. Unfortunately that may not be an option.

If I had a better support network, I think things would be okay. I have wonderful friends and family, they just can’t give me what I need most of the time. It’s because they don’t know what I need or that I need. I’m usually the one who props them up when things go awry. They’re used to that. When I’m out of sorts they don’t know what do. I guess it doesn’t help that I keep space between us. It’s the only way I can function, but I don’t think they understand it. Hell, most people don’t even know I’m on meds.

I’ve decided to stop looking at this as defeat. It can only improve my life. Right?  ¶ Wednesday, March 08, 2006 3 Comments

  CLARITY I looked into my son's eyes tonight. I really looked deep. There was something in his face, his eyes, something I've never seen before. He's tired. He just wants to stay in one place. He doesn't want to go back and forth between me and his mother. He just wants to stay in one place. While I can come to terms with wanting some space from my ex-wife-wanting to stop the arguing-wanting to be happy-wanting her to be happy; I don't know if I can come to terms with the pain I have caused my son. I know he'll bounce back. Children have an amazing ability to do so. I don't ever want to see that look again. I'm sorry son.  ¶ Sunday, February 19, 2006 2 Comments

  CHANGES In a life that is already quite unstable I am making yet another change. First, let me say that the instability is fine for the most part. I realize that because of the life restructuring I did in the last 12 months, I have to wait for the dust to settle. And it will be a while before things finally come to rest.

While I did my best to keep the wolves at bay, they are now knocking at my door. Well actually they didn't knock. They called me on the phone and told me to get out. I must move from the studio that I love. I understand why. The owners of the buidling would like their rent. I would like to give it to them-but I don't have it.

Last year, right before Christmas, I was fired from my teaching gig. It appears that the program director and I had a bit of a disagreement over how to run my classroom. My boss felt that my classroom was not organized well enough. I wasn't teaching rocket science mind you. I was teaching two production classes (theatre and video) to elementary school students. While I admit that my class was a little chaotic, the kids enjoyed it and most of them were learning.

During the program assembly my students ran the lights. They costumed the actors. They managed the stage. They ran the sound. They composed eight songs for the production. That unfortunately didn't matter because my kids didn't sit at their desks to work and sometimes they didn't know what they were doing.

Actually I was thinking about quitting anyway. The classroom I was using belonged to a teacher who thought teaching art was a waste of time. He always let his room a mess and then complained that my kids destroyed his room. I have to admit that while we tried to restore his room, we weren't quite alble to leave his room the mess it was before we started. I also had too many kids. The program director's philosophy was to put kids who didn't want to act into the production classes. Just because a kid doesn't want to act doesn't mean that they want to learn production. While it was a bit much I didn't want them to fire me.

Now here I am with no money. Before they fired me the managed to mess up three checks in a row. One was little money the other two were no money at all. To top this off they took almost two months to give me my first paycheck when I was hired in September. I was screwed. If this had been the only financial fuck-up I could have dealt. But, my classes with my other teaching gig dried up a while back, and the part time job I took to supplement was inconsistent.

I have to move back with my folks. It's actually for the best. At least that's what I tell myself. My folks are having a hard time and I should be able to help them out. While I am currently unemployed I have a production opening soon which should net me a decent amount of money. Additionally, I should be starting a part-time gig soon and after months of waiting I should get my unempoyment.

Things in the long run will work out. I'll get another place. I'll get back on my feet financially. Somehow I can't get over the fact that right now-things suck.  ¶ Monday, February 13, 2006 2 Comments