Wednesday, March 08, 2006
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
I was reading my most recent journal this morning and was taken aback at how depressing it is. I started writing just as my marriage started to fall apart and 75% of the entries deal with some terrible thing that has happened in my life. I know my life ain't been no crystal stair, but damn. How could one man gather so much angst in such a short amount of time?
Easy. I am an eternal optimist who suffers from clinical depression. I live my life with a glass half full philosophy. My nature is to always look toward the best possible scenario. Inevitably, my chemical imbalance doesn’t let that outlook last too long. Right now I am trying to live without medication and it seems not to be working. I thought I could do it, but that’s not the case.
I don’t like my meds. Not because of the side effects, although I do believe Prozac is evil. I don’t like the idea of feeling I may never get off the drugs. I like drugs as much as the next guy-maybe more than the next guy; however, I want to chose my own drugs and take them when I want to. Unfortunately that may not be an option.
If I had a better support network, I think things would be okay. I have wonderful friends and family, they just can’t give me what I need most of the time. It’s because they don’t know what I need or that I need. I’m usually the one who props them up when things go awry. They’re used to that. When I’m out of sorts they don’t know what do. I guess it doesn’t help that I keep space between us. It’s the only way I can function, but I don’t think they understand it. Hell, most people don’t even know I’m on meds.
I’ve decided to stop looking at this as defeat. It can only improve my life. Right? ¶ Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Easy. I am an eternal optimist who suffers from clinical depression. I live my life with a glass half full philosophy. My nature is to always look toward the best possible scenario. Inevitably, my chemical imbalance doesn’t let that outlook last too long. Right now I am trying to live without medication and it seems not to be working. I thought I could do it, but that’s not the case.
I don’t like my meds. Not because of the side effects, although I do believe Prozac is evil. I don’t like the idea of feeling I may never get off the drugs. I like drugs as much as the next guy-maybe more than the next guy; however, I want to chose my own drugs and take them when I want to. Unfortunately that may not be an option.
If I had a better support network, I think things would be okay. I have wonderful friends and family, they just can’t give me what I need most of the time. It’s because they don’t know what I need or that I need. I’m usually the one who props them up when things go awry. They’re used to that. When I’m out of sorts they don’t know what do. I guess it doesn’t help that I keep space between us. It’s the only way I can function, but I don’t think they understand it. Hell, most people don’t even know I’m on meds.
I’ve decided to stop looking at this as defeat. It can only improve my life. Right? ¶ Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Comments:
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Yes, things can only go up from here. That's what keeps me going. Things will turn out great for you too.
Take the meds, if that's what your doctor says.
Simply being joyful (Not from the medication, but from peace) from one day to the next is the improvement.
Whatever one's challenges are, we have to face them with verve.
I believe in you, man, I really do!
What you have to say is so real, beautifully powerful.
Be blessed, dawg.
Simply being joyful (Not from the medication, but from peace) from one day to the next is the improvement.
Whatever one's challenges are, we have to face them with verve.
I believe in you, man, I really do!
What you have to say is so real, beautifully powerful.
Be blessed, dawg.
Yes. Open-ness is refreshing.
My friend shares your experience and we talk about this often, interestingly enough.
I think you have the right idea about finding a balance if you can, and not depending completely on the medication. However, only you truly knows what that state of mind feels like for yourself - so only you can guage when to take the meds and when not to.
If you feel that you have to take them at a certain point...that's probably the time to take the meds.
Much respect for this post.
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My friend shares your experience and we talk about this often, interestingly enough.
I think you have the right idea about finding a balance if you can, and not depending completely on the medication. However, only you truly knows what that state of mind feels like for yourself - so only you can guage when to take the meds and when not to.
If you feel that you have to take them at a certain point...that's probably the time to take the meds.
Much respect for this post.
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: 4:20 PM, March 10, 2006
: 4:20 PM, March 10, 2006Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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