NOW I have so not looked forward to starting this blog up again. While I have found the act of sharing my thoughts with others cathartic, I have found it painful to go back on occasion and read those thoughts. For the most part each post says the same thing: I am a mess; I have been a mess; I may continue to be a mess. My life is a constant struggle just to stay behind. Each answer introduces a more baffling question.

I now have the answer to my months of illness. I have a rare brain tumor-a craniopharyngioma. It effects 3% of the US population. It is benign. It has destroyed my pituitary gland, so my hormones are completely out of whack. My testosterone level is low. I tire easily. I have a hard time regulating my body temperature. I don't have much of an appetite. I think I'm two shades lighter. Surgery got rid of most of the tumor. Radiation will kill the rest, but it will return. That's the nature of the craniopharygiomic beast.

Initially this was to be a log of life with this illness. I even toyed with calling this page THE FINAL TOUR. It was my count-down to the end. I'm not afraid to die. I gave up a fear of death some time ago. In the hospital I realized that. What I had not quite realized was that...

I'm afraid to live.  ¶ Monday, October 09, 2006 3 Comments