Friday, December 30, 2005
DID I FAIL TO MENTION...? (Pt 1)
I was talking to a friend a few days ago about my recent date, and I asked him if he knew I was gay. He knew that the date was with a man, but the circumstances were a little cloudy. My friend's response was, "Yeah, but you never told me, so I played dumb." After a few awkward moments we resumed the conversation, but I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I never told him. I knew that he knew I was gay. I was outed to him by a friend who made it clear to me that he revealed my orientation. For some reason it just never seemed right to talk to my friend about my attraction to men.
It goes back to my reluctance to talk about my sex life. I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend for three months before I ever mentioned it to my family. It took another three months before they met her. I think this lack of openness stems from seeing my parents get westside with my older siblings. While I love my mother dearly, she on occasion has been known to have no tact whatsoever. One minute she is the bastion of southern hospitality then the next she is Torquemada. She doesn't mean anything by it. She's just nosey. As a result I have learned to maintain a certain amount of privacy. Additionally as a boy attracted to other boys, I learned early on how to avoid getting my ass kicked by boys who may not have shared my appreciation for the fellas.
I'm attracted to women - always have been, always will be. You could call me bisexual and I'd say - wrong. My scale only has two needles - heterosexual and non-heterosexual. As far as I'm concerned bisexuality doesn't exist. It's like limbo or socialism. It's a way station, a stop on the line until you get to your final destination.
My orientation is not so much connected to who I may be having sex with at the time, but my lifeperspective. I think there is a gay sensibility and you don't have to be sexually active to have a gay sensibility. I like guys. I like the way they walktalksmellfeel, and I make no apologies, yet I purposefully didn't tell my friend that I was gay. I was afraid that he would see me differently, that I wouldn't be Larry anymore, I'd Gay Larry. Who wants to be Gay Larry? I knew I had been outed and I still couldn't give my friend the benefit of the doubt.
Internalized homophobia is a muthafucka.
I should give my sister a call.
• • •
NO, MY WIFE AND I DID NOT DIVORCE BECAUSE OF MY SEXUALITY. ¶ Friday, December 30, 2005
It goes back to my reluctance to talk about my sex life. I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend for three months before I ever mentioned it to my family. It took another three months before they met her. I think this lack of openness stems from seeing my parents get westside with my older siblings. While I love my mother dearly, she on occasion has been known to have no tact whatsoever. One minute she is the bastion of southern hospitality then the next she is Torquemada. She doesn't mean anything by it. She's just nosey. As a result I have learned to maintain a certain amount of privacy. Additionally as a boy attracted to other boys, I learned early on how to avoid getting my ass kicked by boys who may not have shared my appreciation for the fellas.
I'm attracted to women - always have been, always will be. You could call me bisexual and I'd say - wrong. My scale only has two needles - heterosexual and non-heterosexual. As far as I'm concerned bisexuality doesn't exist. It's like limbo or socialism. It's a way station, a stop on the line until you get to your final destination.
My orientation is not so much connected to who I may be having sex with at the time, but my lifeperspective. I think there is a gay sensibility and you don't have to be sexually active to have a gay sensibility. I like guys. I like the way they walktalksmellfeel, and I make no apologies, yet I purposefully didn't tell my friend that I was gay. I was afraid that he would see me differently, that I wouldn't be Larry anymore, I'd Gay Larry. Who wants to be Gay Larry? I knew I had been outed and I still couldn't give my friend the benefit of the doubt.
Internalized homophobia is a muthafucka.
I should give my sister a call.
• • •
NO, MY WIFE AND I DID NOT DIVORCE BECAUSE OF MY SEXUALITY. ¶ Friday, December 30, 2005
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Most of people close to me (except family) know that I am gay which is why it bothered me that I hadn't told my friend. My sexuality doesn't usually come up in conversation and I suppose most people assumed I was straight because I was married.
My wife knew about a month into our relationship.
My wife knew about a month into our relationship.
it's very challenging dealing w. your sexuality because eventually other people get involved - friends, family, etc. - especially if you want to have a connection w/ another person. good luck man!
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